I changed my name. as with most things in my life, and especially any literary composition, my best ideas come much later than they are needed. Though i an not sure why this particular name didn't come to me right away. Some may see this name and think that i am an uncultured swine, for "dali" spelled as it is could refer to Salvador Dali, a famous painter. On the other hand, the name sounds like Dalai Lama, a revered monk. However, neither reference has anything to do with this name.

I am Dali Llama. And it all started with a silly joke played by the love of my life. I am not sure why, but he superimposed a llama head onto a photo of me. Juvenile, yes. But i was thrilled to know that he had looked at pictures of me and thought of me outside of school. Pathetic. Anyway, from that time forward i was dali. And i loved it. An inside joke with the man i loved. A pet name even. It is very special to me. Not so much as a reminder of an old befriend, but as a reminder of a time when people cared about me. When i belonged and was loved.

dh watched a video the other day called "sick, fat, and nearly dead."  he was inspired to buy a juicer and a boat load of fruits and veggies. I was sceptical about the juicing fad, and especially so after tasting some of his creations. less than appetizing. but I tried my hand at throwing together a fruit and veg mixture and it has been delicious. not only that, but it is easy, and makes me feel wonderful. and- I have lost three and a half pounds in a week in a half. thats pretty awesome.

The test results finally came back from the dr. Despite having a swollen thyroid, nothing in the blood work was out of character. How that can be, I'll never know. But there it is. I was told however that I have high cholesterol. That's just lovely. So whatever.

Mother's day was a wonder. It actually started out pretty well. As I was getting ready for church Dh told me to sit on the bed and brought me breakfast ("breakfast in bed"). Then he gave me two choices, take the kids to the park so he can clean the house, or go off by myself so he could try to clean the house with the kids around. I didn't choose one, since they are basically the same option, I figured I would be able to make a decision later. He also promised that he wouldn't play any video games. I was pleasantly surprised by these offerings and church put me in a good mood as well. When we got home the kids and I took a nap, and wouldn't you know it, DH started playing video games. And didn't stop playing video games until late in the evening. I cleaned the house, I watched the kids, I was alone.

It's not the fact that it was mother's day that hurt me. It was that Dh said he would clean the house, said he would take care of the kids, promised he wouldn't play video games and then went back on everything. I guess I shouldn't have expected much more. Every holiday is a let down. I do everything in my power to make sure that holidays and birthdays are special for him and this family. And I barely get a thought at all. Is it really so much to ask to be recognized? For him to do something to let me know that I am not just his slave? That I am actually a human being and I need to feel loved and appreciated. Oh well.

A lot has happened in the last week or so. I almost left dh, spent the week at my parents house to try and figure things out. I get so tired of the selfishness. How can a person be so self involved? I was so angry, but I have calmed down and come to a realization. I have really severe PMS. I get indescribably angry, i have a short temper, i am depressed and out of energy and I can't think clearly. In high school i ended the best relationship i have ever had because i was thinking irrationally. I have almost ended my marriage twice because of my uncontrollable anger and irrationality. Actually, I realized this a long time ago and tried to talk to a doctor about it, but she just blew it off.  So I am going to go to a different doctor who hopefully will be able to shed some light on the situation.

In other news, I love baking. I could literally bake all day long, non stop and be perfectly happy. It is truly my passion. I made over four dozen cupcakes today and it was glorious. And the silly thing is i just made them for fun. I don't have anything going on. I just like to bake. It was marvelous. I would love to have a pastry shop. I would love to bake for clients' parties and events. I love for people to admire what I've done. It feels amazing.

I hit rock bottom this weekend i think.

I love making cakes and cookies, pies, pastries, candies....and that used to be just fine. I never really had much of a taste for sweets or desserts. I'd make cookies or cupcakes and give them away without blinking an eye because i only liked to create, not partake. Unfortunately, when i was pregnant with dd i developed a sweet tooth to beat the band. It became even worse late in my pregnancy with ds. I can't get enough cake, or chocolaty whatever. Might have something to do with why i weigh 220#. Blegh.

I used to have great self control too. A big believer in mind over matter. That was a joke though. Turns out that was all a joke. I am weak when it comes to temptations.

On Friday i made cupcakes. Delicious churro cupcakes. Coated with my great weakness, cinnamon sugar. There were twenty-four. Dd had two (maybe), dh had five or six. I've had 12. At least. I can't believe it. I know its true, but i can't wrap my mind around the thought of stuffing my face so much. Its disgusting. But those cupcakes were good. So good in fact, dh said, "how did i live before i had these?!"

But that is that. The damage is done and all i can do is move on and learn from it. Dh and i did a great job of making it to the gym every morning this week. How many days does it take to create a habit? Hopefully we can keep it going. It feels great, other than the binge-ing i did. Hopefully this week can be the week of good gym going and good eating.

After my parents visit last weekend, i took the kids back to my parents house in Washington. Its nice to get out of the house, but life isn't much different. Same routine, different location. And guilt about cleaning the house instead of playing with the kids is exchanged for guilt about my family taking care of my kids to give me a break...I want this trip to be break. I want to relax, but it feels like more work. The kids don't sleep well, everything is chaotic, unorganized. But it is nice to get to see my family and have grown up interaction. Its nice to not have to worry about the house being a mess, its nice to not think about groceries, meals, laundry. I am just going to try to enjoy myself. Hopefully we will get to the gym sometime so i don't gain ten hundred pounds this week.

So far today has been great.i am feeling wonderful. Dd and i went out this morning and played with chalk and bubbles.something she begs to do every day. We had a blast.i put on some music and she danced, blew bubbles at the Kitties in the window. The fresh air was a welcome change to the stuffy indoors. It was cool but not chilly. The sun was up, the birds were chirping. It felt like we were out in the woods, camping, waking up to the beauty of nature.

My mom is on her way, i am excited for her to get here. The house is mostly clean so there us nothing to do while the kids sleep but whatever i want! Not too shabby. :)

Today has been a much better day, despite getting a terrible nights sleep. I feel pretty happy today, and I have been able to spend time with my daughter.

I started early to get the kitchen cleaned up. That is such a relief to me. Even if the entire house is trashed, if the kitchen is clean, I feel great. After I got that done, DS woke up and we decorated Easter eggs. DD used her watercolors and had a good time. She did a really good job even unsupervised. And her eggs look great.  Then she had a blast putting stickers on her eggs. She loves stickers. She really liked the basketball and soccer ball ones. We had a really good time together. I feel like I let her know that she was important to me. That she was worth spending time with. And she was off of my phone. Which was good for her too.

I didn't get to the gym....again....but I have been doing a pretty good job staying within my calories. I don't feel as fat today as I have all week. Nothing has changed, I just haven't been sitting around all day doing nothing.

I wish that I didn't have all the back and forth emotions. There has to be a way to get rid of the depression. It got so much worse after I had DD. It was basically dormant before. Now there are some days when I just wish I could quit. And then I remember that there are lives that depend on me and no matter what, I can't stop taking care of them. That just makes me want to quit even more. The weight of those thoughts on my bad days literally makes me feel as though I am sinking.

When I am not in one of my bad days I look back and think, "Why can't you just get a hold of yourself? Why can't you just control your emotion?"

This was how I felt when my mom would have her episodes. She is manic depressive, bi-polar, and has anxiety. She cut herself, she scratched her arms with razor or her nails until they bled. She tried to kill herself a couple times. Every time she did any of that I got mad, or embarrassed. I would always think that she was so weak because she couldn't control herself. I felt like she was just doing it for attention
(which sometimes I still think.) I couldn't understand how she could let her emotions run her life.

I understand now. At least, I sympathize. I still feel weak. I still feel like I should be able to shake off the depression. I should be able to get up and let go of the sadness, despair, the indifference. It makes me angry when I can't. I am taking medication. It really helped me after dd was born. But I wonder if it's not enough. Before I turn to more medication, I want to get into exercising regularly. I know that I feel better when I exercise. I love to exercise and it gives me energy and makes me happy. I am glad that the weather is getting warmer. Not only for the brightness and heat, but because I can get out with the kids. They can spend their energy, I can burn some calories, and we can all get a little much needed vitamin D. Thank heavens for the sunshine.

My parents are coming this weekend. I am really excited. I don't get out much, and I don't have many friends, so when I have my family over for company it is a great treat. DD is very excited too. She loves her grandparents. And we all get to celebrate Easter together. This will be the first Easter that dd will actually be aware of so I am glad that my mom and dad will be here to help make it special. And of course, its ds very first Easter! I can't wait to get to prepare a nice dinner and some desserts. I love hosting dinners, I'm not a great hostess, but I love to prepare food for people. it's going to be a good weekend!

Another reason I wanted to start a new blog, one of my own and not for my family, is because I am unsatisfied with my life. I am unhappy with where I am. I feel old. I am 24 years old and I feel tired and unenthusiastic. I want to use this blog to sort through my thoughts and feelings and try to understand why I feel this way. I want to organize my emotions, my mind, so that I can start to feel joy in my life.
I do not apologize for anything that I write here. I am going to say what I feel. I am not trying to be dramatic. I am trying to be honest. I can't be honest in my everyday life, I am going to be honest here.

Right now I feel sorry for my kids. I am a failure of a mother. My daughter is so bored. So bored with me. I don't spend enough time with her. I don't get down on her level and play. I don't listen when she rambles on. When did I become so distracted. When did the house being clean mean more to me than spending time with my kids? When did watching a show (mine or theirs) become a better pass time than reading, running outside, building block towers, baking pretend cakes? Why do I let the children's apps on my phone babysit my girl?

Every night I am almost brought to tears thinking back on the day and how little I did to let my kids know that I love them. Even now, while I am writing this page, my daughter is listening to some guy read a book to her on my phone. And yet, I am not getting up to take it away and read to her myself. I feel too tired. I know that as soon as I get up my son will wake and I will have to deal with him. I want to be selfish and take this time while he is asleep to myself.

If I spend all my time taking care of my four month old and when he is asleep I take care of myself, where is the time for her? She is two years old. She shouldn't spend her day between Spongebob and Mickey Mouse Club House. What is my problem?

I know other mothers don't have this problem. It seems like they have the time to keep their kids happy and teach them, keep the house clean, have a job, make a quilt, and run a marathon. Why is it that I can barely manage my small household. Every responsibility I have in the world right now is in my home. I am awake from 6:30am to 10:30pm. Seventeen hours and can't get anything done.

I hate myself. I hate that I am fat. I hate that I don't have any energy. I hate that I wake up in the morning and  feel so melancholy. I hate that I am too busy feeling sorry for myself that I can't be there emotionally for my kids. I feel like I have checked out of this life and am just muddling through. I want to slap myself in the face. I want to shake my shoulders and tell myself to wake up! Start living! Smile until you feel like smiling! I don't know how many times I have said that to myself. It never works.

Resplendent. Duckling.

Those are the random words that I chose to title this blog. This blog is about nothing. It is merely a tool for me to hone my dormant writing skills. I have let my self become domesticated, I am a mother, a wife, a maid, a lover, chef, and personal assistant. I didn't finish college. I didn't live up to anyone's expectations, least of all my own. I had dreams of writing great novels, profound articles, deep, meaningful poetry, short stories, anything really. I wanted to write. But I let it go. I let my ideals of literary success fall by the wayside, and my skills have suffered. 

My mind is blank. My thoughts turn to dishes and runny noses instead of prose and plot. I love my children more than life itself. I wouldn't go back and choose a different path. I just wish I had taken time to remember myself. I don't know who I am. I know what I am. I don't have any skills, nothing note worthy, nothing to respond with when asked, "What do you do? What do you enjoy doing? What are you good at?"

I am good at making the bed? I like to clean out the dishwasher? Fold clothes? I change my kids diapers regularly? Is that who I am?