Today has been a much better day, despite getting a terrible nights sleep. I feel pretty happy today, and I have been able to spend time with my daughter.

I started early to get the kitchen cleaned up. That is such a relief to me. Even if the entire house is trashed, if the kitchen is clean, I feel great. After I got that done, DS woke up and we decorated Easter eggs. DD used her watercolors and had a good time. She did a really good job even unsupervised. And her eggs look great.  Then she had a blast putting stickers on her eggs. She loves stickers. She really liked the basketball and soccer ball ones. We had a really good time together. I feel like I let her know that she was important to me. That she was worth spending time with. And she was off of my phone. Which was good for her too.

I didn't get to the gym....again....but I have been doing a pretty good job staying within my calories. I don't feel as fat today as I have all week. Nothing has changed, I just haven't been sitting around all day doing nothing.

I wish that I didn't have all the back and forth emotions. There has to be a way to get rid of the depression. It got so much worse after I had DD. It was basically dormant before. Now there are some days when I just wish I could quit. And then I remember that there are lives that depend on me and no matter what, I can't stop taking care of them. That just makes me want to quit even more. The weight of those thoughts on my bad days literally makes me feel as though I am sinking.

When I am not in one of my bad days I look back and think, "Why can't you just get a hold of yourself? Why can't you just control your emotion?"

This was how I felt when my mom would have her episodes. She is manic depressive, bi-polar, and has anxiety. She cut herself, she scratched her arms with razor or her nails until they bled. She tried to kill herself a couple times. Every time she did any of that I got mad, or embarrassed. I would always think that she was so weak because she couldn't control herself. I felt like she was just doing it for attention
(which sometimes I still think.) I couldn't understand how she could let her emotions run her life.

I understand now. At least, I sympathize. I still feel weak. I still feel like I should be able to shake off the depression. I should be able to get up and let go of the sadness, despair, the indifference. It makes me angry when I can't. I am taking medication. It really helped me after dd was born. But I wonder if it's not enough. Before I turn to more medication, I want to get into exercising regularly. I know that I feel better when I exercise. I love to exercise and it gives me energy and makes me happy. I am glad that the weather is getting warmer. Not only for the brightness and heat, but because I can get out with the kids. They can spend their energy, I can burn some calories, and we can all get a little much needed vitamin D. Thank heavens for the sunshine.

My parents are coming this weekend. I am really excited. I don't get out much, and I don't have many friends, so when I have my family over for company it is a great treat. DD is very excited too. She loves her grandparents. And we all get to celebrate Easter together. This will be the first Easter that dd will actually be aware of so I am glad that my mom and dad will be here to help make it special. And of course, its ds very first Easter! I can't wait to get to prepare a nice dinner and some desserts. I love hosting dinners, I'm not a great hostess, but I love to prepare food for people. it's going to be a good weekend!