A lot has happened in the last week or so. I almost left dh, spent the week at my parents house to try and figure things out. I get so tired of the selfishness. How can a person be so self involved? I was so angry, but I have calmed down and come to a realization. I have really severe PMS. I get indescribably angry, i have a short temper, i am depressed and out of energy and I can't think clearly. In high school i ended the best relationship i have ever had because i was thinking irrationally. I have almost ended my marriage twice because of my uncontrollable anger and irrationality. Actually, I realized this a long time ago and tried to talk to a doctor about it, but she just blew it off.  So I am going to go to a different doctor who hopefully will be able to shed some light on the situation.

In other news, I love baking. I could literally bake all day long, non stop and be perfectly happy. It is truly my passion. I made over four dozen cupcakes today and it was glorious. And the silly thing is i just made them for fun. I don't have anything going on. I just like to bake. It was marvelous. I would love to have a pastry shop. I would love to bake for clients' parties and events. I love for people to admire what I've done. It feels amazing.

I hit rock bottom this weekend i think.

I love making cakes and cookies, pies, pastries, candies....and that used to be just fine. I never really had much of a taste for sweets or desserts. I'd make cookies or cupcakes and give them away without blinking an eye because i only liked to create, not partake. Unfortunately, when i was pregnant with dd i developed a sweet tooth to beat the band. It became even worse late in my pregnancy with ds. I can't get enough cake, or chocolaty whatever. Might have something to do with why i weigh 220#. Blegh.

I used to have great self control too. A big believer in mind over matter. That was a joke though. Turns out that was all a joke. I am weak when it comes to temptations.

On Friday i made cupcakes. Delicious churro cupcakes. Coated with my great weakness, cinnamon sugar. There were twenty-four. Dd had two (maybe), dh had five or six. I've had 12. At least. I can't believe it. I know its true, but i can't wrap my mind around the thought of stuffing my face so much. Its disgusting. But those cupcakes were good. So good in fact, dh said, "how did i live before i had these?!"

But that is that. The damage is done and all i can do is move on and learn from it. Dh and i did a great job of making it to the gym every morning this week. How many days does it take to create a habit? Hopefully we can keep it going. It feels great, other than the binge-ing i did. Hopefully this week can be the week of good gym going and good eating.

After my parents visit last weekend, i took the kids back to my parents house in Washington. Its nice to get out of the house, but life isn't much different. Same routine, different location. And guilt about cleaning the house instead of playing with the kids is exchanged for guilt about my family taking care of my kids to give me a break...I want this trip to be break. I want to relax, but it feels like more work. The kids don't sleep well, everything is chaotic, unorganized. But it is nice to get to see my family and have grown up interaction. Its nice to not have to worry about the house being a mess, its nice to not think about groceries, meals, laundry. I am just going to try to enjoy myself. Hopefully we will get to the gym sometime so i don't gain ten hundred pounds this week.