So far today has been great.i am feeling wonderful. Dd and i went out this morning and played with chalk and bubbles.something she begs to do every day. We had a blast.i put on some music and she danced, blew bubbles at the Kitties in the window. The fresh air was a welcome change to the stuffy indoors. It was cool but not chilly. The sun was up, the birds were chirping. It felt like we were out in the woods, camping, waking up to the beauty of nature.

My mom is on her way, i am excited for her to get here. The house is mostly clean so there us nothing to do while the kids sleep but whatever i want! Not too shabby. :)

Today has been a much better day, despite getting a terrible nights sleep. I feel pretty happy today, and I have been able to spend time with my daughter.

I started early to get the kitchen cleaned up. That is such a relief to me. Even if the entire house is trashed, if the kitchen is clean, I feel great. After I got that done, DS woke up and we decorated Easter eggs. DD used her watercolors and had a good time. She did a really good job even unsupervised. And her eggs look great.  Then she had a blast putting stickers on her eggs. She loves stickers. She really liked the basketball and soccer ball ones. We had a really good time together. I feel like I let her know that she was important to me. That she was worth spending time with. And she was off of my phone. Which was good for her too.

I didn't get to the gym....again....but I have been doing a pretty good job staying within my calories. I don't feel as fat today as I have all week. Nothing has changed, I just haven't been sitting around all day doing nothing.

I wish that I didn't have all the back and forth emotions. There has to be a way to get rid of the depression. It got so much worse after I had DD. It was basically dormant before. Now there are some days when I just wish I could quit. And then I remember that there are lives that depend on me and no matter what, I can't stop taking care of them. That just makes me want to quit even more. The weight of those thoughts on my bad days literally makes me feel as though I am sinking.

When I am not in one of my bad days I look back and think, "Why can't you just get a hold of yourself? Why can't you just control your emotion?"

This was how I felt when my mom would have her episodes. She is manic depressive, bi-polar, and has anxiety. She cut herself, she scratched her arms with razor or her nails until they bled. She tried to kill herself a couple times. Every time she did any of that I got mad, or embarrassed. I would always think that she was so weak because she couldn't control herself. I felt like she was just doing it for attention
(which sometimes I still think.) I couldn't understand how she could let her emotions run her life.

I understand now. At least, I sympathize. I still feel weak. I still feel like I should be able to shake off the depression. I should be able to get up and let go of the sadness, despair, the indifference. It makes me angry when I can't. I am taking medication. It really helped me after dd was born. But I wonder if it's not enough. Before I turn to more medication, I want to get into exercising regularly. I know that I feel better when I exercise. I love to exercise and it gives me energy and makes me happy. I am glad that the weather is getting warmer. Not only for the brightness and heat, but because I can get out with the kids. They can spend their energy, I can burn some calories, and we can all get a little much needed vitamin D. Thank heavens for the sunshine.

My parents are coming this weekend. I am really excited. I don't get out much, and I don't have many friends, so when I have my family over for company it is a great treat. DD is very excited too. She loves her grandparents. And we all get to celebrate Easter together. This will be the first Easter that dd will actually be aware of so I am glad that my mom and dad will be here to help make it special. And of course, its ds very first Easter! I can't wait to get to prepare a nice dinner and some desserts. I love hosting dinners, I'm not a great hostess, but I love to prepare food for people. it's going to be a good weekend!

Another reason I wanted to start a new blog, one of my own and not for my family, is because I am unsatisfied with my life. I am unhappy with where I am. I feel old. I am 24 years old and I feel tired and unenthusiastic. I want to use this blog to sort through my thoughts and feelings and try to understand why I feel this way. I want to organize my emotions, my mind, so that I can start to feel joy in my life.
I do not apologize for anything that I write here. I am going to say what I feel. I am not trying to be dramatic. I am trying to be honest. I can't be honest in my everyday life, I am going to be honest here.

Right now I feel sorry for my kids. I am a failure of a mother. My daughter is so bored. So bored with me. I don't spend enough time with her. I don't get down on her level and play. I don't listen when she rambles on. When did I become so distracted. When did the house being clean mean more to me than spending time with my kids? When did watching a show (mine or theirs) become a better pass time than reading, running outside, building block towers, baking pretend cakes? Why do I let the children's apps on my phone babysit my girl?

Every night I am almost brought to tears thinking back on the day and how little I did to let my kids know that I love them. Even now, while I am writing this page, my daughter is listening to some guy read a book to her on my phone. And yet, I am not getting up to take it away and read to her myself. I feel too tired. I know that as soon as I get up my son will wake and I will have to deal with him. I want to be selfish and take this time while he is asleep to myself.

If I spend all my time taking care of my four month old and when he is asleep I take care of myself, where is the time for her? She is two years old. She shouldn't spend her day between Spongebob and Mickey Mouse Club House. What is my problem?

I know other mothers don't have this problem. It seems like they have the time to keep their kids happy and teach them, keep the house clean, have a job, make a quilt, and run a marathon. Why is it that I can barely manage my small household. Every responsibility I have in the world right now is in my home. I am awake from 6:30am to 10:30pm. Seventeen hours and can't get anything done.

I hate myself. I hate that I am fat. I hate that I don't have any energy. I hate that I wake up in the morning and  feel so melancholy. I hate that I am too busy feeling sorry for myself that I can't be there emotionally for my kids. I feel like I have checked out of this life and am just muddling through. I want to slap myself in the face. I want to shake my shoulders and tell myself to wake up! Start living! Smile until you feel like smiling! I don't know how many times I have said that to myself. It never works.

Resplendent. Duckling.

Those are the random words that I chose to title this blog. This blog is about nothing. It is merely a tool for me to hone my dormant writing skills. I have let my self become domesticated, I am a mother, a wife, a maid, a lover, chef, and personal assistant. I didn't finish college. I didn't live up to anyone's expectations, least of all my own. I had dreams of writing great novels, profound articles, deep, meaningful poetry, short stories, anything really. I wanted to write. But I let it go. I let my ideals of literary success fall by the wayside, and my skills have suffered. 

My mind is blank. My thoughts turn to dishes and runny noses instead of prose and plot. I love my children more than life itself. I wouldn't go back and choose a different path. I just wish I had taken time to remember myself. I don't know who I am. I know what I am. I don't have any skills, nothing note worthy, nothing to respond with when asked, "What do you do? What do you enjoy doing? What are you good at?"

I am good at making the bed? I like to clean out the dishwasher? Fold clothes? I change my kids diapers regularly? Is that who I am?