Not much has changed in the last two and a half years. We have moved several times. I have almost left DH, or at least thought about it seriously a few times. My kids are older. But things are mostly the same.

We live back in the Tri-Cities again. I never thought I would come home, but the lure of family and basically having no other options was overwhelming. I have been cautious about where I go. I don't want to run into anyone from my past. I dont want them to see me as I am now. Overweight, terrible skin, frumpy, and dead inside. That's not the person I used to be, and I am ashamed that it is the person I have become.

I work in a grocery store however, and it is inevitable that I see old acquaintances from time to time. Most of them don't give two shakes about me, and the feeling is mutual.

I did see him though. He came into my store. After almost six years without seeing him, five years without speaking to him, six months in the same town as him, and four months working in this popular store, we just happen to be in the same place at the same time. I don't know for sure if he saw me, but he must have. The moment I saw him I dashed away. How many times have I thought about and played through our first chance meeting? Too many to willingly admit to. But I was not prepared. He took me by surprise and I crumbled. I cried, sobbed, moaned, for at least an hour.

How do you cope when the one and true love of your life suddenly crashes in after so long? How to you react when ten years of buried feelings resurface? Old wounds, torn open? I was a wreck.

One thing I know though, if he did see me, he wont be back in again. At least at work I am safe.

Not anywhere else though.

Not two weeks after that instance, he and I just happened to be leaving the mall at the exact same time and through the exact same exit. I said, "Is this a joke?" out loud. I actually spoke those words. He was probably in hearing distance. The air was thick with tension, awkwardness. But we ignored each other. I am sure he saw me. How could he not have? I was literally three feet behind him as we were leaving. I could hear him speaking and I know he could hear me. I cant believe I was so close to him.

In other news, DH and I don't fight too much anymore. I have been on some vitamin supplements that have helped with the absorption of my anti--depressants and that has been great. I am also not on birth control anymore and I know that that is a contributor as well. DD just started pre-school. DS is amazing and cute, and a super-bum. I am desperately hungry for another baby.

I have been working out solidly for at least a month now. I haven't seen any substantial weight loss, but I can tell that I am shaping up. It is good for me to go to the gym daily. It helps me to feel productive, even when the house is a sty. Which it always is.

I changed my name. as with most things in my life, and especially any literary composition, my best ideas come much later than they are needed. Though i an not sure why this particular name didn't come to me right away. Some may see this name and think that i am an uncultured swine, for "dali" spelled as it is could refer to Salvador Dali, a famous painter. On the other hand, the name sounds like Dalai Lama, a revered monk. However, neither reference has anything to do with this name.

I am Dali Llama. And it all started with a silly joke played by the love of my life. I am not sure why, but he superimposed a llama head onto a photo of me. Juvenile, yes. But i was thrilled to know that he had looked at pictures of me and thought of me outside of school. Pathetic. Anyway, from that time forward i was dali. And i loved it. An inside joke with the man i loved. A pet name even. It is very special to me. Not so much as a reminder of an old befriend, but as a reminder of a time when people cared about me. When i belonged and was loved.

dh watched a video the other day called "sick, fat, and nearly dead."  he was inspired to buy a juicer and a boat load of fruits and veggies. I was sceptical about the juicing fad, and especially so after tasting some of his creations. less than appetizing. but I tried my hand at throwing together a fruit and veg mixture and it has been delicious. not only that, but it is easy, and makes me feel wonderful. and- I have lost three and a half pounds in a week in a half. thats pretty awesome.

The test results finally came back from the dr. Despite having a swollen thyroid, nothing in the blood work was out of character. How that can be, I'll never know. But there it is. I was told however that I have high cholesterol. That's just lovely. So whatever.

Mother's day was a wonder. It actually started out pretty well. As I was getting ready for church Dh told me to sit on the bed and brought me breakfast ("breakfast in bed"). Then he gave me two choices, take the kids to the park so he can clean the house, or go off by myself so he could try to clean the house with the kids around. I didn't choose one, since they are basically the same option, I figured I would be able to make a decision later. He also promised that he wouldn't play any video games. I was pleasantly surprised by these offerings and church put me in a good mood as well. When we got home the kids and I took a nap, and wouldn't you know it, DH started playing video games. And didn't stop playing video games until late in the evening. I cleaned the house, I watched the kids, I was alone.

It's not the fact that it was mother's day that hurt me. It was that Dh said he would clean the house, said he would take care of the kids, promised he wouldn't play video games and then went back on everything. I guess I shouldn't have expected much more. Every holiday is a let down. I do everything in my power to make sure that holidays and birthdays are special for him and this family. And I barely get a thought at all. Is it really so much to ask to be recognized? For him to do something to let me know that I am not just his slave? That I am actually a human being and I need to feel loved and appreciated. Oh well.

A lot has happened in the last week or so. I almost left dh, spent the week at my parents house to try and figure things out. I get so tired of the selfishness. How can a person be so self involved? I was so angry, but I have calmed down and come to a realization. I have really severe PMS. I get indescribably angry, i have a short temper, i am depressed and out of energy and I can't think clearly. In high school i ended the best relationship i have ever had because i was thinking irrationally. I have almost ended my marriage twice because of my uncontrollable anger and irrationality. Actually, I realized this a long time ago and tried to talk to a doctor about it, but she just blew it off.  So I am going to go to a different doctor who hopefully will be able to shed some light on the situation.

In other news, I love baking. I could literally bake all day long, non stop and be perfectly happy. It is truly my passion. I made over four dozen cupcakes today and it was glorious. And the silly thing is i just made them for fun. I don't have anything going on. I just like to bake. It was marvelous. I would love to have a pastry shop. I would love to bake for clients' parties and events. I love for people to admire what I've done. It feels amazing.

I hit rock bottom this weekend i think.

I love making cakes and cookies, pies, pastries, candies....and that used to be just fine. I never really had much of a taste for sweets or desserts. I'd make cookies or cupcakes and give them away without blinking an eye because i only liked to create, not partake. Unfortunately, when i was pregnant with dd i developed a sweet tooth to beat the band. It became even worse late in my pregnancy with ds. I can't get enough cake, or chocolaty whatever. Might have something to do with why i weigh 220#. Blegh.

I used to have great self control too. A big believer in mind over matter. That was a joke though. Turns out that was all a joke. I am weak when it comes to temptations.

On Friday i made cupcakes. Delicious churro cupcakes. Coated with my great weakness, cinnamon sugar. There were twenty-four. Dd had two (maybe), dh had five or six. I've had 12. At least. I can't believe it. I know its true, but i can't wrap my mind around the thought of stuffing my face so much. Its disgusting. But those cupcakes were good. So good in fact, dh said, "how did i live before i had these?!"

But that is that. The damage is done and all i can do is move on and learn from it. Dh and i did a great job of making it to the gym every morning this week. How many days does it take to create a habit? Hopefully we can keep it going. It feels great, other than the binge-ing i did. Hopefully this week can be the week of good gym going and good eating.

After my parents visit last weekend, i took the kids back to my parents house in Washington. Its nice to get out of the house, but life isn't much different. Same routine, different location. And guilt about cleaning the house instead of playing with the kids is exchanged for guilt about my family taking care of my kids to give me a break...I want this trip to be break. I want to relax, but it feels like more work. The kids don't sleep well, everything is chaotic, unorganized. But it is nice to get to see my family and have grown up interaction. Its nice to not have to worry about the house being a mess, its nice to not think about groceries, meals, laundry. I am just going to try to enjoy myself. Hopefully we will get to the gym sometime so i don't gain ten hundred pounds this week.