Another reason I wanted to start a new blog, one of my own and not for my family, is because I am unsatisfied with my life. I am unhappy with where I am. I feel old. I am 24 years old and I feel tired and unenthusiastic. I want to use this blog to sort through my thoughts and feelings and try to understand why I feel this way. I want to organize my emotions, my mind, so that I can start to feel joy in my life.
I do not apologize for anything that I write here. I am going to say what I feel. I am not trying to be dramatic. I am trying to be honest. I can't be honest in my everyday life, I am going to be honest here.

Right now I feel sorry for my kids. I am a failure of a mother. My daughter is so bored. So bored with me. I don't spend enough time with her. I don't get down on her level and play. I don't listen when she rambles on. When did I become so distracted. When did the house being clean mean more to me than spending time with my kids? When did watching a show (mine or theirs) become a better pass time than reading, running outside, building block towers, baking pretend cakes? Why do I let the children's apps on my phone babysit my girl?

Every night I am almost brought to tears thinking back on the day and how little I did to let my kids know that I love them. Even now, while I am writing this page, my daughter is listening to some guy read a book to her on my phone. And yet, I am not getting up to take it away and read to her myself. I feel too tired. I know that as soon as I get up my son will wake and I will have to deal with him. I want to be selfish and take this time while he is asleep to myself.

If I spend all my time taking care of my four month old and when he is asleep I take care of myself, where is the time for her? She is two years old. She shouldn't spend her day between Spongebob and Mickey Mouse Club House. What is my problem?

I know other mothers don't have this problem. It seems like they have the time to keep their kids happy and teach them, keep the house clean, have a job, make a quilt, and run a marathon. Why is it that I can barely manage my small household. Every responsibility I have in the world right now is in my home. I am awake from 6:30am to 10:30pm. Seventeen hours and can't get anything done.

I hate myself. I hate that I am fat. I hate that I don't have any energy. I hate that I wake up in the morning and  feel so melancholy. I hate that I am too busy feeling sorry for myself that I can't be there emotionally for my kids. I feel like I have checked out of this life and am just muddling through. I want to slap myself in the face. I want to shake my shoulders and tell myself to wake up! Start living! Smile until you feel like smiling! I don't know how many times I have said that to myself. It never works.